A Happier Me

To say that depression ruled my life-

Isn’t just an expression.
It’s a reality…
When you saw me all happy and carefree,
On the inside I felt dejected and lonely.
It was Killing me.

Constantly battling this feeling of misery and despair-
Had left me tired an unaware-
That I had people who actually did care about me.

Just imagine how it feels to be at a party-
And feel like no one knows that you’re there.
They don’t care about you or what you do.
You could scream ‘til you’re blue in the face-
And still be ignored.
That summed up my life.
I felt unnoticed.
Uncared for.
Abandoned.

The struggle to get out of bed-
The battle that ensued in my head-
About whether or not to face the world that day-
Was as real as the people I encountered in the classroom-
If I decided to even show up.

A million thoughts ran rampant in my mind.
All the time.
I just couldn’t focus on anything else.
It clouded my judgment.
It blinded my eyes.
Frustration and self-hate were free to roam-
In my skull just because I didn’t have-
The strength to pull them out-
Minute after minute-
Hour after hour-
Day after day.

I prayed constantly for God to remove the depression.
To take it all away.
To make it all okay.
To make me NORMAL-
Even for just one day.
It didn’t come…
At least not right away-
Like I Demanded of Him.

I was a mess.
I was living two separate lives-
And was miserable in both…
Vulnerable to any attacks Satan threw my way.
I gave up on happiness and decided-
This was the way God made me-
So this wasn’t going to change.
It was here to stay…

Beleaguered by depression,
I didn’t want help.
If God didn’t change me instantly-
Then who could?
But then something dawned on me.
What if God desired of me to break free-
But wanted me to take the first steps-
To show I was determined to succeed.
You see, my walk with Him was running on empty.
I spent no time with Him, yet I expected God-
To provide all my wants, hopes, and dreams-
Immediately…
It took a night of crying and opening up to my parents-
For this to finally hit me.
But when it hit me,
Boy, did I get hit!
Like a ton of bricks falling on me-
I was crushed with all these emotions and revelations-
That God was actually wit me this whole time.
I just wasn’t really looking…

Since that day, things have changed.
Not completely, but I do feel a difference-
Mainly in my attitude.
I’m still in a battle-
Only this time I know I can win.
God says with Him all things are possible.
And I believe those words are true.
My loneliness is conquerable.
My sadness is curable.
I realize I can have a relapse.
But with the Lord in my corner-
I can tell without a doubt-
That in me you’ll see progression-
Instead of regression.
And in that I can look forward-
To the creation of a happier life-
And a happier me.