My Poems

As you probably see, this blog will now be a site where I'll put some of my poems in (as well as some reflections). Here are some I wrote from March-August of last year. I'll probably post one bi-weekly from here on out, and I hope you enjoy them!

A Happier Me

To say that depression ruled my life-

Isn’t just an expression.
It’s a reality…
When you saw me all happy and carefree,
On the inside I felt dejected and lonely.
It was Killing me.

Constantly battling this feeling of misery and despair-
Had left me tired an unaware-
That I had people who actually did care about me.

Just imagine how it feels to be at a party-
And feel like no one knows that you’re there.
They don’t care about you or what you do.
You could scream ‘til you’re blue in the face-
And still be ignored.
That summed up my life.
I felt unnoticed.
Uncared for.
Abandoned.

The struggle to get out of bed-
The battle that ensued in my head-
About whether or not to face the world that day-
Was as real as the people I encountered in the classroom-
If I decided to even show up.

A million thoughts ran rampant in my mind.
All the time.
I just couldn’t focus on anything else.
It clouded my judgment.
It blinded my eyes.
Frustration and self-hate were free to roam-
In my skull just because I didn’t have-
The strength to pull them out-
Minute after minute-
Hour after hour-
Day after day.

I prayed constantly for God to remove the depression.
To take it all away.
To make it all okay.
To make me NORMAL-
Even for just one day.
It didn’t come…
At least not right away-
Like I Demanded of Him.

I was a mess.
I was living two separate lives-
And was miserable in both…
Vulnerable to any attacks Satan threw my way.
I gave up on happiness and decided-
This was the way God made me-
So this wasn’t going to change.
It was here to stay…

Beleaguered by depression,
I didn’t want help.
If God didn’t change me instantly-
Then who could?
But then something dawned on me.
What if God desired of me to break free-
But wanted me to take the first steps-
To show I was determined to succeed.
You see, my walk with Him was running on empty.
I spent no time with Him, yet I expected God-
To provide all my wants, hopes, and dreams-
Immediately…
It took a night of crying and opening up to my parents-
For this to finally hit me.
But when it hit me,
Boy, did I get hit!
Like a ton of bricks falling on me-
I was crushed with all these emotions and revelations-
That God was actually wit me this whole time.
I just wasn’t really looking…

Since that day, things have changed.
Not completely, but I do feel a difference-
Mainly in my attitude.
I’m still in a battle-
Only this time I know I can win.
God says with Him all things are possible.
And I believe those words are true.
My loneliness is conquerable.
My sadness is curable.
I realize I can have a relapse.
But with the Lord in my corner-
I can tell without a doubt-
That in me you’ll see progression-
Instead of regression.
And in that I can look forward-
To the creation of a happier life-
And a happier me.

My Prayer

I am a wreck.

My life is in disarray.

God, I’m looking for You-

And Only You to save me.

You tell me that You love me.

And I believe it too-

I just feel the need brewing-

In my heart and in my soul to tell You about-

This feeling to replace the old-

With something brand new.

To take away all the lies I believe.

Give me something true.

Something real.

All I’m asking for Lord is that You come through-

For me once again.

You are my Best Friend.

The only one that will be with me-

From the beginning of my life-

To the very end.

Fill me up with Your love.

Remind me of Your promises.

Keep them in my head-

For whenever I am in distress-

Heartache-

Or even Happiness-

I’ll think of them.

Father, save me from all that is killing me slowly-

Every sin that I commit-

For every time that I Spit in Your face.

I wish I could erase that from my mind-

But time after time I do it again.

I’m surprised You don’t just make me-

Fend for myself.

Thank You for Your love, Lord Jesus.

Thank You for caring for each and every one of us-

Out here on earth.

I pray that we continue to Worship You-

In Everything we say or do-

Because You are Worth it all.

I love You, Dad.

I hope You know that.

Even though I may act like a brat sometimes-

The fact of the matter is-

You’re the one that Loves me the most-

And in that fact alone-

I can’t help, but boast about You.

So Lord, please watch over me-

And continue to show Yourself in me.

Because as people have said before-

I was lame-

But now I can walk.

I was deaf-

But now I can hear.

I was blind-

But now I can see.

And I pray that you do that again-

To a big-time sinner like me.

He Loves You

This man knows my name.

The thought is insane.

All these feelings and emotions just running through my brain-

I don’t want it to stop..

He is so world-renowned

His fame stretches out-

Farther than you can imagine.

His level of importance is unimaginable.

Without Him the world would crumble-

Into unfathomable depths.

There would be no life.

No galaxy.

No universe.

Absolutely nothing left.

He literally holds the world together.

He knows how anything works.

His knowledge is complete.

Why he even invented the “CAPACITY TO LEARN”

It’s amazing how His necessity screams out to the world.

It says “You NEED me”-

And it’s true..

But you know what else?

He Loves you.

You were created by Him, and Him alone.

He already knew what you’d be like-

And still loves you despite all your flaws.

His love is not like our love.

It’s so much more.

It’s unconditional.

Sacrificial.

It has more Depth than we could ever explore.

This love is also free.

Given out to you and me just because He can.

He can’t stop loving you.

It’s in His nature to-

Show us non-stop that He wants what’s best for us.

He’s also given us a way to meet Him face-to-face.

To see His love from the place that it originated..

Himself.

Now that’s TRUE love.

He willingly died for us.

Conquered the grave, and waited 3 days-

Just to do it-

To show that it was no trick.

He was actually DEAD then came to LIFE again-

So that it would stick in our brains that He really is God.

He defeated our worst fear just to give us the brightest hope we could have.

A hope to eternally be-

With the One who Loves us more than we-

Even love ourselves…

Anxiety

Anxiety.

Stress.

That pain you feel in your chest.

The hurt.

The anguish.

The worry.

It’s all there.

There’s no hope at all-

And it makes you scared.

I should’ve done this!

Oh, what if I did that?

They said to take a turn on 2^nd street-

But I don’t know where it’s at?

Despair runs into your mind.

It takes control.

Tells you to give up.

It says “why are you even trying?

You’re just gunna mess up.”

Stress is always on your mind.

Worry is always in your heart.

You wish you could just start this all over-

That you could find this precious button with the word “restart”-

on it just so you could fix all your past mistakes.

You think you’re unlovable.

That there’s nothing there for you.

You’ve made so many wrong decisions,

And they all came back to bite you.

You think you’re a nobody.

Someone who’s just another face in the crowd.

No one would care if you lived or died,

They probably wouldn’t even make a frown-

at the news you were gone.

You’ve been rejected countless times by countless people.

They never even gave you a chance.

Every time you had something figured out,

There was always at least one thing that messed up your plans.

You’re pathetic, at least that’s what you tell yourself every night before you go to bed.

Thoughts of anxiety, worthlessness, and suicide are creep in through your head.

It eats you up.

“Why am I here?”

“What is my purpose?”

“How come I never catch a break?”

“Everything always happens to me, I just can’t take-

it any more. I give up!”

“Maybe things would be better if I went to bed and never woke back up.”

These things run up in down in your skull.

You don’t want them, but they’re there.

You struggle with this day and night.

You feel as if no one cares…

But there’s someone that does…

His name is Jesus of Nazareth.

He’s a pretty interesting man.

Lived 2,000 years ago,

DIED and resurrected just so you could live again.

He is God.

The Savior.

The Creator.

The Teacher.

And the one that wants to become your best friend.

His ways are perfect.

And so is His Love.

He cares for you deeply

And watches from above-

Up in heaven.

Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice.

He gave up His life with You in mind.

You may have been told that numerous times-

But IT’S TRUE.

He thought of you up on that cross

As the blood was pouring from His chest.

He knew every second gone by-

was a second closer to His death-

that brought life.

A second chance for man.

He knew that His tortured body-

Would bring God and man’s-

Relationship back together again.

He did this all for YOU.

Even if you were the only one that needed saving.

All you got to do is call on His name and-

Give your life to Him.

Recognize it’s not your own.

Enter into a relationship with Him,

And He’ll walk to the throne of God the Father,

And tell Him and everyone else that you are now His

And will be spared from eternal hell.

If you choose life,

There’s no need for stress.

No need for worthlessness. For God has your BEST-

In mind. He is your Provider.

The one who is always there for you.

With Him the outcome will always be brighter-

Than what you could have imagined.

So discard those depressing thoughts,

And cling to the one who loves you.

He will help you get through anything. Just-

give Him your everything and-

Let Him reside in you.

Everything

God created everything-

So He can be anything-

You need him to be.

A Friend.

A Father.

A Mother.

Your Mentor.

He is all these things perfected-

And knows them better than any other.

He is all things to all people.

Whatever you need,

He can fulfill all your wants and desires.

He does these things because he cares.

Like a Best Friend,

God is always there for you,

Through thick and thin.

Your best interest is what He wants.

Listen to Him because He brought-

You out of darkness and into-

A place where nothing can hold you back-

For you are His.

Like a Father,

He will protect you from the evil one.

Run to Him for shelter.

He is our fortress,

Our safe-haven from the things of this world-

That cause us to stress and-

Try to make us achieve less than our best.

Like a Mother,

God is our comfort.

The Lord is there when we’re hurting-

When we’re distraught-

Or even when we need to get that burden off our chests.

His love is never-ending,

His grace is abounding,

His care for us is unparalleled.

Like a Mentor,

He gives us direction.

If you have a question,

Just ask Him.

He has all the answers.

His experience in everything-

Surpasses anything we could ever hope to have.

God IS wisdom.

Who else could top That??

The Lord is whatever you need Him to be.

Whenever you need Him to be it.

Just look in His Word,

And you’ll see that it’s true.

Everyday He’ll be something brand new.

Just for you.

All you got to do is-

Make sure that He’s living inside of You.

Trapped

I’m trapped.

Closed in.
Nowhere to turn.
There’s no one near me. I yearn-
For companionship.
I am deserted.
I have no home.
Those people I live with?
They aren’t my own-
Flesh and blood.
They hate me.
Despise me.
I hate them just as much.
There isn’t a soul who cares for me now.
The warm touch of love people give?
I’ve never felt it.

My life is so messed up.
My family is in dire straits.
No hope abounds in my home.
It’s not even a home. More like a place-
Of torment.
Of Anguish.
A place where pain resides.
A morgue is more comforting and-
More easy on the eyes...
Fear and paranoia appear to be my only friends.
Everyone else?
They’re gone like my self-confidence.
My feeling of self-worth.
I don’t need them anyways.
All they will do is hurt-
Me again...
I trust NO ONE…
I’m as closed as Chic-fil-a on a Sunday.

Now…I hear from friends that You Love me.
That you want for me what’s best.
And that you’d give it away for free.
No fee.
No exceptions.
No test-
I have to take.
It sounds too good to be true…
But if it isn’t? Now that’s something I’d like.
Someone that cares for me.
That looks out for me.
Loves me despite-
All the stupid things I say and do.
That gives me a clean slate.
Makes me brand new...
Someone who makes me feel like I’m worth something.
That I have a purpose.
A person that takes all my fears away and turns it-
Into something good.
I hear you can do that.
And I want it.
I want it so badly.
God, take this all away from me.
I trust that You and ONLY You can make me happy.
Everywhere I’ve looked for true love has always let me down.
I’m sick of this emptiness.
This loneliness.
I give it too You now.
Do with it what You want.
It’s Your life now not mine’s.
I know that I will no longer be lonely-
Because in You I reside...

I Am Not Who You Think I Am

I am not who you think I am.

I am both a sinner and a saint-

A two-faced man through and through.

I live a lie.

People don’t know the real me.

I tricked you-

Into thinking my life is so great.

My walk with God is amazing.

My knowledge is complete.

The truth is though..

I am no more deserving of life than a murderer-

A thief-

A terrorist.

My life on its own is meaningless.

I put on a front to gain recognition.

I just want to be known-

But I feel if people really get to know me and my past-

Well, then I’d be shown-

The door.

So I lie.

I build myself up-

just so you would bat an eye at me.

I know it’s wrong,

but being “wanted” means so much more to me-

than anything else.

I hate being lonely.

In a way, I still am.

No one knows the real me.

I really am not a man,

But a Coward.

I just want to be LOVED.

I long for companionship,

But my self-confidence is gone.

This trip my life has taken-

Has made me come to grips-

With the way things really are.

I pray you don’t see me as another pathetic soul.

Someone looking for attention.

But I pray you see me as something more.

All I ask is for you to get to know me.

Just hang out with me.

I don’t ask for much.

If I just had some friends,

I would be able to open up more-

And not “boast” so much.

I know you may think it’s sad-

For me to “plead” for friends,

But I don’t know any other way to get noticed.

All I want is to be known.

All I ask for is a friend.

Alone

By myself.

Nowhere to turn.

Deserted.

Abandoned.

I desire to be around people.

But instead I’m alone-

Stranded on this desert island of

Misery.

Pain.

Worthlessness.

Does anybody care?

No.

Does anybody feel my pain?

Not likely.

This world has nothing for me.

Day after day being ignored by the world.

Seeing strangers walk by knowing you’ve been judged-

before they even know who you are.

It takes its toll.

For most people their goal is to be noticed.

Being noticed is a desire within all if us.

That sense of security.

The feeling of worth.

Not one person doesn’t crave it.

It envelops the earth.

While that is something I want.

There is something I NEED.

To feel loved by somebody.

To be known.

Not just to be seen-

Or heard-

Or looked at-

For someone to look at me-

And want to get to know me-

This Loneliness is KILLING me.

And I let it…

But with You..

Well.. EVERYTHING changes..

I no longer am lonely.

You fill my days with-

Love.

Happiness.

Security.

Meaning.

To be LOVED by You is what I’ve been missing.

You. KNOW. Me.

You desire for me what is best.

This sense of longing I had?

It is gone like the rest-

Of those wants and needs-

That were bringing me down.

You shown me the straight and narrow

And I can’t just stop now.

O God, MY God

What more is there to say?

You turn despair into hope.

Fear into courage.

Sadness into Joy.

Night into Day.

The peace that dwells in me-

It’s something I can feel.

I know whatever happens.

It resides in Your Perfect will.

Lord, I know You won’t leave me.

And of that I am sure.

I was homeless.

You gave me shelter.

You made me rich-

when I once was poor.

I knock repeatedly and You opened the door-

And let me in-

To a world I couldn’t get in on my own.

A world you have shown in Your Love letter to us.

A promise I know that You’ll keep.

For every word You have uttered

Every promise You speak is like sweet sweet-

Nectar to this newly repented being.

God, You are everything to me.

You have given my life Actual meaning..

You Know ME

You know me.

Yet You love me.

You know me Completely.

Yet You love me.

All I’ve done. All I will do.

All the times that I’ve screwed up and spit at you.

You LOVE me.

I am nothing.

I’m not important.

You are everything.

You are life giving.

You’re the Creator.

The Teacher.

The Judge.

My Father.

You know all my sins.

Yet You love me more than any other.

I don’t get.

It makes no sense.

How can a perfect God like You show love to me. I spent-

all this time deserting You.

Showing You the door.

Yet all this time You stay by my side.

I’ve thrown away all that You’ve blessed me with.

Yet You still bless me with more…

I keep saying I love You.

I keep telling people You’re mine.

But I never lived it out.

I am just wasting line after line-

of sentences to others.

Telling them of our relationship.

When I know in my heart-

we are Very Distant.

I don’t deserve a second chance.

I waste it every time.

A third Chance-

Fourth Chance-

Fifth Chance.

Chance One Million Four Hundred Thousand and Thirty Nine-

They all end up the same.

I’m imperfect.

Such a mess.

But Lord I really need You.

Take all of me. In you I rest-

My life.

My being.

My thoughts.

Who I am.

Please, dear God, help me become a man-

After your heart.

Someone’s who’s upright and wise.

Some who wears his faith on his sleeve.

That wears no disguise.

You know me better than anyone out there.

You see my potential.

What I could be.

You see the future.

What it holds.

Whether it be for him.

For her.

For them.

For ME..

Mold me.

I surrender.

I know I’ve done this all before-

But I’m SERIOUS this time.

Use me how you want to, Jesus.

I can’t wait to see what’s in store.

My God.

MY Redeemer.

My Savior.

My Lord.

I do Love You.

I Love you with all my heart.

And I want to know You more.